ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
