he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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