yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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