I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
