Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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