Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
