He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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