i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
