apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
