New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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