Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
