I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize