Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
