You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
