He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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