Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
