a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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