Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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