my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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