No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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