ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
