FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
