Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
