At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
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