Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize
