so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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