so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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