Just took my morning after pill in the library
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
