Can i not drive my cunt home
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize