I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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