if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
