Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
