Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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