got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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