My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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