They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
