3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
