Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
