I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
