This dress was meant to end up on your floor
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
