Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
