sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
