How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
