I could make wine with my vomit
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
