Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Also, beer. Big fan.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
