I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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