Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
