just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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