Who wears a wallet chain?!
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize