Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
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