Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Thank you for not boning my boss.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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