look no pants
...so i touched it.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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