Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
