I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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