I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
My bed smells like the plague
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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