dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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