I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
