I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
