either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Say something about gay babies.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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