were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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